|Sneakers: DIY/Me , Jeggings: AE , Shirt: Handmade/Me|
And life, for me, continues to go on in weird and silly ways. For instance, I have a huge surprise for you all (that you might have already seen if you follow my tumblr or twitter - hint, it involves my head) and I can't wait to show you. Between sewing stuff, hair stuff and starting this new blog, I've really felt a lot more passionate about being myself. Which is nice because I've kind of felt... for a really long time that I keep trying to mimic other people instead of focusing on what I like. And it's cool. You've got to be cool with you.
Speaking of being true to yourself, I have some venting to do. If that's alright (it sure as fuck is, this is my blog after all).
About a year ago, or perhaps two, on Meg's Ragged Edge, I started talking about a "secret project" that I was very excited about showing you. I was working non-stop on this project, pouring my heart and soul into it, and I was so happy about it. It became a large part of my life and I became secretly really proud of it. Eventually, I admitted that it was a series of supernatural romance novels that I was writing. I just finished the third edit of the first book and I've already started the second.
This is where I've run into a slight snag. You see, some well-meaning people have decided that I should submit these books to a real publisher, which was NOT my first plan with these books. Having read several inspiring stories about indie authors self-publishing online, I wanted to go that route and list them on Amazon and Nook. You see, that's more my bag. That's where my experience lies- it's the most similar to things I like to do, which are online stores and marketing. I had a whole elaborate marketing plan set up for these books, I was looking at people to do cover art, I was talking to friends about beta-testing. I had a HUGE plan. Which also involved re-opening my online shop (now Cirque du Frock) with jewelry and vintage clothing collections themed around the girls in the books. I have Pinterest boards set up to pin pictures that inspire me to write these characters. I HAD A PLAN. And I was doing it on my own, and I WAS WORKING on something that I wanted to actually FINISH which was a huge accomplishment to me.
But no one really listened to this plan. Instead, I became pressured by many people to submit to a publisher. Because that is the only way this is a "real career" or a "real job" or worth my time. (By the way, I'd already been treating it as if it WERE a real job, a real book, a REAL THING.) Submit it, and if all else fails, and it gets rejected, you can still publish online, right? But at least you'll know.
And something that was absolutely my favorite thing in the world became the most stressful (and not in that good stress way) thing. I became frustrated. Listless. Depressed. I didn't want to work on it any more. My plans, which no one listened to in the fist place because no one asked, just didn't seem to matter to me anymore. I didn't even want to blog anymore because I had nothing nice to say. Sometimes, you just have nothing nice to say and you don't want to drag everyone down with you.
When school ended last week, I pulled myself out of it a little bit and finished the most recent edit of the first book. It counts at 234 pages long and it's one of the biggest projects I've ever attempted. It's a part of me. The problem is I don't know what to do with it now. I don't know what my next step is. I just don't know what to do because it's become such a stressful thing now. And it hurts because I feel like those closest to me didn't even want to hear my plan before starting to make their own, and it's not their project. So here is the question I put to you, my readers, whom I consider as close to me as friends I know in real life - what do you think? Any advice or words of wisdom? I know you'll all surprise me, you always do.
Sorry, but I had to get real there for a second. This has been weighing me down just a little too much and I need more opinions than I already have.
Have a happy week and I'll see you soon with a much more light-hearted post!
Edited to include: This is not in any way directed at one person particularly, rather it is a culmination of conversations held with about 20 people and my own personal research. I appreciate all of my friends and their opinions even if I usually disagree with them.
Edited one more time: Also, I want to point out that the whole "secret project: Meg writes books" thing was started as a self-publishing endeavor. It had never even crossed my mind to submit to real publishers. I always wanted to do this online, myself. I just thought that might add some perspective.